Not to be morbid, but the predominant changes in my life in the past few months have mostly revolved around death. Since December, I’ve attended four funerals; two were family members (both my Dad’s parents) and the others I lost might has well have been.

Within one week of each other, both my grandparents were diagnosed with cancer. My grandfather had pancreatic cancer that spread to his brain causing two strokes and a minor heart attack. He passed five weeks later. My grandmother received a breast cancer diagnosis and had a much better prognosis, but a month to the day after she lost her soulmate she joined him — after 59 years of marriage, we couldn’t expect them to be apart for too long anyway.

An incredibly close family friend, a woman who at times was as supportive to me as my own mother, lost her five year battle with ovarian cancer at the end of January. This was by far the most difficult loss of all of them, and not a day goes by when I don’t miss her terribly and feel her absence. I was given something that belonged to her and it’s been sitting on the night table next to my bed for a little over a month now. Her memory inspires me every day, and in the two years I knew her she continually amazed me with her unshakeable strength and resilient spirit in the face of a terrible, merciless disease. She was an angel on earth and I will keep her in my heart for the rest of my life.

Jonah Dreskin had one of the most contagious smiles of anyone I’ve ever met. We met through the playgroup theater and he was my ballroom dancing partner in a ridiculously exhausting waltz scene in The Secret Garden. He was the class clown, and you could always count on him to make you laugh, but when it came to acting he gave it his all no matter what the role. His friendship and his company brightened those semi-torturous dance rehearsals and made a mark on anyone who was lucky enough to know him. I’ve read the news articles about the investigations surrounding his death over and over again but the words haven’t really sunk in yet; I just can’t believe he’s gone. He made PGT feel a little bit more like family, and I feel like I’ve lost a big brother.

I feel so vulnerable, and I wish I could silence all the negativity that creeps into my head right before it hits the pillow.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

The rest of the kids in the class are adorable too. I love them all, especially a little blonde shaggy-haired, blue eyed boy who follows me around like a puppy dog. He squeezes my hand tightly and looks up at me with those wide blue eyes and long eyelashes and pleads with me to let him sit on my lap while I read him a story. I took him swimming on Thursday morning and he wrapped his little arms around my neck and whimpered that he was never letting go, but after a while he loved the water and cried when it was time to leave.

Thinking about him makes me smile and remember why I love this work so much. Knowing that even in a small way I’m changing the outlook for a child’s future is so fulfilling. And I won’t lie, the paycheck isn’t terrible either.

It’s tiring though, and I’ve never been a morning person so being at work at 8:30 sharp every weekday morning has been tough. Tomorrow I start tennis lessons from 5-6 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday… so I’ll be even more tired, and even more busy.

This summer has been loaded so far. A lot of unexpected things have happened, many of which I’m thrilled about. For the most part, things are turning out a lot better than I ever would have expected at the end of second semester. And I’m beginning to get excited about school. Taking this summer to myself has already allowed me to make some substantial changes. I won’t say I’m a new person, but I’m so much stronger already. And I know that I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Fuck this.

Everything is spinning out of control. Everything. I have no grasp on my life right now. I’m crying uncontrollably as I write this. About everything. About things that happened last year. First semester. Last semester. Last week. In the past two hours. And everything just came undone at the same time and forced its way out of me through these wretched sobs that I can’t stop. I was just prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and ADD meds. At the same time. And I feel so out of control.

I can’t pull myself out of bed before 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I don’t eat. I’ve lost weight since I’ve been home because I never have an appetite unless I’m high, which is a problem in itself. I force myself to eat, and even then I feel full too soon. I get irritable and angry for no reason. I overbook and can’t manage my schedule. I forget important things. I remember unimportant things. I stay out late and I’m never home and my parents are angry with me. I’m trying to quit smoking, which causes its own issues in terms of my mood and appetite.

I want everything to go away. I want my mind cleared. I want everything erased. I want control over my racing heart, my jumbled thoughts, my unpredictable mood swings, my schedule, my weight, my love life, my life. Simply, I want to feel like everything is 100% okay again. And right now, it’s not.

i thought of you.

the butterflies in my stomach
like horses agitated by a strong summer storm
fluttered rapidly and ceaselessly
as i sat in the back of the chilly car
(but i attributed the butterflies to my fear of thunderstorms –
it was a self-preservation mechanism at the time)
because in a way this is just too good to be true
but at the same time i know that i just need to –

“slow down, for God’s sake!”
i pitched forward in my seat
my dad awoke with a grunt
the driver, a heavyset Italian man in his late 50′s,
flipped off the asshole with the new jersey license plate (go figure)
who had flown past him, cut him off,
and was now unsteadily weaving his way through the traffic ahead.
“nobody should be driving like that in this weather.”

heart pounding wildly
which i blamed on the new jersey drivers
but let’s be honest -
my heart’s been pounding wildly for a while now
i settled back in my seat
the leather cold against my bare back
listening to the rain as it bore down upon the car

and wished that it
(whatever it is)
could be as simple as summer:

a few storms here and there
because those are expected
but predominantly beautiful, with
cloudless blue skies during the daytime
and multitudes of bright blinking stars at night
(because i still make wishes on starry nights)
and
you

as simple as that.

I need to spend more time at home with my family. Since I’ve been home from school, I’ve been out of the house from noon until some ungodly hour of the next morning. I can’t go on like this anymore. I need my sanity back, and I need to start sleeping normally again. And I think that taking some time to myself will help me sort through and process the past few weeks.

It’s interesting — all in the same week, I was told that I’m incredibly selfish and only act with my own feelings in mind and not the feelings of others, but i was told the very next day that I let people walk all over me and try too hard to make other people happy and don’t pay enough attention to my needs. Which one is it, people? Where should I turn, and to whom? And whose judgment should I trust? Because I’m not so sure I can trust my own — I’m overwhelmed and emotional, and not sure whose advice to take. 

There are multiple forces pulling me in all different directions and my response tonight was to shut down and cut them all out of my life, lock myself in my room, and write.

I listed the people that make me happy. I listed the things that make me happy. I listed the things in my life that I consider most important to me. I listed the people who infuriate me. I listed the things that annoy and anger and upset me. And I listed the things in my life that I know I need to cut out.

These lists, in retrospect, cleared my mind but got me nowhere. And I’m trying to breathe deeply and tell myself that in time everything will sort itself out.

I hope I prove myself correct.

I feel giddy. Not necessarily schoolgirl-crush giddy, although I do get butterflies every now and then. More like sitting in class on the last day of school watching the hands of the clock crawl and feeling the electric summer buzz in the air and just wanting to jump up and run for the door (or the window) giddy.

I’m going to go take a cold shower (because the A/C in my house won’t turn on and I like feeling the cold water evaporate from my skin when I get out of the shower; it gives me the chills) and then I’m going to drive around in the 95-degree sun (in a bikini top because society’s sexist double-standards allow men to be topless in public but not women) and get a large iced coffee for the cupholder and just be with the people I love all day. And it’s gonna be a lovely day.

Maybe I have a writer’s mind and I like to stretch things to make them more theatrical. Or maybe I want to believe that small, silly things like that mean something more, and that everything and everyone is connected. It makes me feel more in control of my life to believe that there is some order to the world, instead of a series of random chaotic events.

I really, really want to know who else reads this. Maybe it’s narcissistic of me to believe that there are people creeping around reading my blog. I write for myself, but I put everything out there knowing that I have at least 2 consistent audience members (<3).

because everything i’ve ever done, i’ve done because i loved you. silly you should ask.